parodeity
by clearflight
Summary: a fic of not-so-wanted advice and attempts at humor... for the love of starclan, of course
1. names: mouthfuls

**Parodeity…**

_**…a fic of not-so-wanted advice and attempts at humor.**_

**Welcome to the inaugural chapter of Parodeity, a parody-style Warriors fanfic aimed at providing short and sweet (hopefully) advising themes in the form of short stories so does not throw a hissy fit.**

**In honor of some pretty exemplary Bad!fics and one of their best qualities, I will be starting off with _names_.**

**The first four chapters or so will address different parts of warrior naming. If I can think of more, I'll continue until I run out of ideas for this section. I'm always open to reader submission!**

**Without further ado…**

Frolicking through the moonlight trees, Robinfoot thought of how her sister, Whitefur was almost at kitting time. Madgeflight, Thunderclan's medicine cat had examined the small white she-cat yesterday before night fell, and declared that Whitefur would surely kit within the next two moonrises. Robinfoot was taking quite a risk, night hunting at a time like this, if she wanted to see the kits birth.

The nursery had gotten quite stifling, though, and Robinfoot had decided that she needed a quick run to stretch out her legs and also to get away from Hawkstripe, Whitefur's fretting mate. The gray and black tabby tom seemed to take up half the nursery in the way he paced and anxiously waited.

Deciding that she would surely be missed by now, Robinfoot sighed, picked up the three unlucky mice that had practically jumped into her claws, and started the run back to the hollow. By the time she came within twenty fox-lengths of the camp, her pricked ears picked up the tortured wailing of a she-cat. _Whitefur must be kitting!_ Robinfoot thought eagerly, and sprinted the remaining distance through the thorn barrier. Seeing many a cat out, unable to sleep through the kitting, she tossed her catch at a black tom and hurried into the nursery, arriving just in time to see the last kit be born.

Madgeflight, seeing her enter, immediately pushed a calico kit towards Robinfoot and ordered her to lick its fur the wrong way to warm it up. Robinfoot did as she said, marveling as the young she-cat (she-kit?) opened her small jowls to yowl an announcement to the world that she was there. As soon as the kit looked fit to suckle, Robinfoot pawed her over to Whitefur's belly.

"They're all beautiful." Robinfoot mewed, watching as all five kits wiggled and pushed each other out of the way in their quest to suckle. "Have you decided on names?"

"Not quite y-" Hawkstripe, the kits' father started to meow, but Whitefur cut him off. "Indeed I have."

Whitefur, already feeling better after her kitting, raised her thin white tail and used it to point in each kit in turn.

"This black one right here will be Blackberrykit, and this stripey-one will be Wintergreenkit, and this white one will be Oak…leafkit and-"

"Honey, those are a bit long, aren't they-" Hawkstripe started to speak, but Whitefur ignored him and continued to list.

"This gray one will be Chamomilekit and finally this one right here will be Blackandwhitekit."

"Well, then- erm" Robinfoot twisted her whiskers, trying to find something positive to say. "I like the Chama- Choma- Cama- Chamomile one." In a low voice, she added, "what a mouthful."

"Oh, and they're all she-cats too. How nice." Robinfoot added.

FLASH FORWARD TWELVE MOONS

Coldstar, a powerful gray and white tom, stood proud up on the high ledge, gazing down prideful on his strong and healthful clan. He was to make five new warriors today.

"I, Coldstar, leader of Thunderclan, call upon my warrior ancestors to look down on this apprentice. She has trained hard to understand the ways of your noble code and I commend her to you as a warrior in her turn. Blackandwhitepaw, do you promise to uphold the warrior code and to protect and defend your Clan, even at the cost of your life?"

"I do."

"Then by the powers of StarClan I give you your warrior name. Blackandwhitepaw, from this moment you will be known as Blackandwhitefur. Starclan honors your quickness of thought and your quite unheard-of hunting abilities and we welcome you as a full warrior of Thunderclan."

Blackandwhitefur stepped back to line up with her sisters: Chamomileshine, Oakleafleap, Wintergreeneyes and Blackberrypool.

"Blackberrypool, Wintergreeneyes, Oakleafleap, Chama- Choma, Cama, Chamomile-" Most of the Clan cats stopped trying to pronounce the names and instead just yowled their approval. They were oh-so happy to have five strong new she-cats in the clan to help protect their borders, even if their names were far too long.

FLASHFORWARD ONE MOON

"Coldstar!" Blackandwhitefur howled as she skidded into camp.

"What, Blackberryshi-, no sorry you're Blackandwhitefur. What, then? Is there an emergency?"

"Yes! It's Chama- Choma, Cama, Chamomel, Chamamile, Chamomilesheen! No shine! Chamomileshine! She's fallen into the lake and she can't swim!"

"Oh no!" Coldstar fretted. "We must sent a patrol to help her at once! Wintergreeneyes, Oakleafleap, take your apprentices Newleafpaw and Bonfirepaw and save Chama, Chomo, Chamomeal- oh just whatever! Go to the lake and save the cat that's drowning!"

"Right away!"

Sadly, by the time Wintergreeneyes, Oakleafleap, Newleafpaw and Bonfirepaw had reached the lake, Chamomileshine was no where to be seen. In the extra minutes Coldstar had needed to say the warriors's names, she had sunk below the surface.

**Moral of the Parodeity: Don't give your OCs long prefixes. You could save lives.**

* * *

**Yes, I have seen a Chamomilekit, a Blackandwhitepelt, a Blackberrystar and last but not least a Bonfireblaze. None are mistakes, but they are quite the mouthful! **

**Warrior names are typically short and sweet... i.e. Snowfur, Runningwind, Graystripe, Sandstorm...**

**So, not my best attempt at humor, but it's going to be a work in progress. Please leave a review with ideas you have, I'd be pleased to have them. Also any tips, tricks... whatever :) **

**PS: the problem with litters being all she-cat is a fanfiction epidemic. come on people: toms have to come from somewhere! **

**until the next naming "atrocity"**

**clearflight out**


	2. names: strange words for cats

**thanks to my dear reviewers:**

**Reva ~ thanks! that's certainly on the agenda :)**

**ShastamaeFirepool ~ I'm glad it made you laugh :)**

**Dawnshadow ~ *cringes* I'm guilty of one of those... slightly...**

* * *

The gathering was nigh, as the moon was centered and full in the sky. Bramblestar was busy choosing cats for the gathering, making sure that every apprentice was getting a turn. A light tap on his face by a ginger tail startled him out of his mumbled thoughts.

"You will announce the kits, won't you?" Squirrelflight purred anxiously, kneading her paws into the overworked sandy rock that made up the highledge. "I'm staying behind, you know that right? Me, Leafpool and Icecloud are taking turns going: they get to go first while I watch the kits."

"I'll make sure I do, Squirrelflight." Bramblestar sighed as his ex-deputy trotted off. After she had fallen in love with Dustpelt it seemed like she had all but forgotten that she used to be mates with him. He had missed his chance.

"Alright!" Bramblestar pushed the thoughts out of his head and motioned for his new deputy, Lionblaze, to scale the high ledge.

"The cats going to the gathering will be: Lionblaze, Dustpelt, Sandstorm, Hazeltail, Spiderleg, Leafpool, Icecloud, Blossomfall, Bumblestripe, Lilypaw, Seedpaw, Dewpaw and Amberpaw."

"Great!" Hazeltail rose to her feet, excited. "Let's go now!"

Bramblestar, following the young cat's lead, took an enthused leap off of the High Ledge, landing in a slightly un-dignified way. After shaking his paws to make sure nothing was broken, he looked up hopefully to see if Squirrelflight was hurrying over to make sure he was okay. No- of course she wasn't! She was busy nosing Dustpelt a goodbye and ushering the nursery's current occupancy of eight kits back into the thorny bushes for the night.

_Those should be my kits! _wailed Bramblestar internally, partly from the slight burn of pain he felt from his failed leap off of the high ledge.

"Let's go!" Bramblestar yowled to his clan, and they set off at a trot towards windclan territory. The journey seemed to pass quickly as the dozen cats loped through the night air, and they quickly arrived at the tree bridge. Bramblestar leaped on first, followed by Lilypaw. It was the young apprentice's first gathering, and she was quite excited to be announced along with her sister Seedpaw.

Bramblestar had a lot of names to remember tonight. Two new apprentices, plus eight kits!

Shadowclan was the last to make an appearance in the island's hollow, and by that time Bramblestar had already scaled the tree and taken a spot next to Mistystar on the widest bough. The two leaders exchanged a friendly nod as Blackstar began to clamber up the tree, choosing a spot high above the other leaders as he usually did.

As soon as all of the leaders were present, Bramblestar let out a yowl that announced the beginning of the gathering.

"Riverclan will report first, if that's alright?" Mistystar announced curtly. No one argued, so she went on, "Fish are running well, as are other bits and pieces of prey. I crowned a new warrior two sunrises ago, Sharptongue, he's here tonight for his first gathering as a warrior."

Bramblestar warmly joined in with the obligatory chanting of the name, he remembered the black and white apprentice from gatherings past.

"Thunderclan?"

"Oh, right, right." Bramblestar stood up on the branch, waving his tail to regain his balance. "Prey is prosperous in the forest, and the streams are still running deep into Greenleaf. Thunderclan brings two new apprentices to the gathering tonight, Lilypaw and Seedpaw." He paused for half a second for the congratulatory yowls, and anxiously ran over the new kits' names in his mind.

"This moon, we have three new queens bearing eight kits: Diamondkit," He started to mew, but he was cut off by a yowl from the crowd.

"What is that, gibberish?" A shadowclan tom yowled.

"It's a gemstone!" Icecloud leaped to her feet, baring her teeth. She was prepared to defend her kits' name. "Mouse-brain!"

"What's a gemstone?" Mistystar asked, bewildered. "A type of herb?"

"It's a sparkly thing that grows in caves, I think!"

"There are caves on Thunderclan territory?" Onestar asked, amused.

"No! The name came to me in a dream, okay?" Icecloud spat, and decisively sat down. Bramblestar took the opportunity to announce the name of her second kit, Cakekit.

"Is cake another gemstone?" Mewed a suspicious Riverclan tom.

"No-" Icecloud started to say, but Bramblestar cut her off, worried that he would forget the names of Squirrelflight and Leafpool's kits if he waited too long.

"Those are Icecloud's kits, and then Leafpool-"

A loud cackle from an elder who had just gotten the ridiculous implications of the situation interrupted him.

"has the kits Musickit, Shoekit, Northkit and Pheonixkit." He paused, waiting for congratulatory mews. None came.

"What's music?" Mothwing, from Riverclan inquired. "Not another gem-y thing?"

"It's like a song! Bird music!" Leafpool yowled, but she was drowned out by cats' amused mews.

"Let me guess, a shoe is some twoleg thing? Thunderclan was always welcoming to kittypets." Blackstar announced to the gathering.

"Well, yes, Daisy did tell me about shoes-" Leafpool tried to announce, but she was interrupted yet again.

"What's a north? A bird?"

"Sounds like some kind of disease!" An apprentice commented.

"NORTH IS A DIRECTION."

"What's a direction?" At this question, Leafpool yowled in frustration and fled the gathering amid laughter and recommendations that she change her kits' names.

"I don't even want to know what a pheonix is!" Snowbird, a white shadowclan warrior meowed as she pawed her clanmates.

"And then we have Starrykit and Paintkit, Squirrelflight's kits." Bramblestar murmured, trying to speak softly so no one heard him. It was of no use, Blackstar caught the whisper and announced the last two names to hilarity and outrage.

"Who said Thunderclan gets to break the naming code?" Mistystar seemed furious. "No one names kits after any of the clans!" She turned towards Bramblestar, ready to push him off the branch.

"What is paint?" An elder from Shadowclan yowled hoarsely. "Haven't heard that in my day!"

"She named him Paintkit because he looks like he has paint blotches on him!" Leafpool attempted to stand up for her sister, but the elder continued to yowl about thunderclan and their reluctance to follow traditions.

"-Thunderclan doesn't get any more freedom than we do!" Onestar and Blackstar yowled together. "If they get to name their cats whatever they want than we will too!"

"No, let's not do that-" Mistystar attempted to stop them, but it was no use. The gathering had erupted into craziness and it was too late to reel the cats in.

**Moral of the story: Cats don't know about gemstones, directions, mystical birds, twoleg apparel or supplies. Also, it's not widely accepted to name your small adorable little kit Thunderkit, Windkit, Riverkit, Skykit, Starkit (or any version of it), or Shadowkit (if your story is set with the lake clans). It's also pretty annoying when authors try to come up with weak excuses for why they know the thing i.e. "It came to them in a dream from Starclan" or "a passing rogue/kitty pet/fox/twoleg who can speak cat told them!" If they know what it is, then they know what it is. **

* * *

**Are we liking this format? I might change it up for a the next few chapters...**

**On the topic of gemstones, I personally feel they're a bit overdone. Do as you will, because even I know that Diamondclaw, Emeraldgaze and Sapphirestep have nice rings to 'em.**

**Keep the ideas coming! **

**bridget**


	3. names: stupid names

**Thanks for the 2 reviews!**

**Keep the ideas flowing, people!**

* * *

"Welcome to Thunderclan!" meowed a silver warrior to a smaller ginger-and-white apprentice. "I'm Minnowleap-"

"That sounds like a Riverclan name." The apprentice said, suspicion creeping into her voice. "Are you sure you're from Thunderclan?"

"Yes, silly. What's your name?"

"Gingerpaw."

"Quite a nice name!" Minnowleap meowed. "Although I must say it must be awfully hard to hunt with your pelt!"

"No harder than a silver cat." Gingerpaw's voice was wry with dry amusement.

"Very well." Minnowleap nodded, annoyance clear in her voice. Personally, she thought that the whole "get to know another clan" idea of the leader's was stupid. Who thought it was a good idea to let the apprentices see the camps of other clans? "Not much longer now."

Soon enough, they were passing through the thorn barrier and they were inside the hollow.

"Let me point out some of our clan members to you!" Minnowleap's enthusiasm was back. "Up there on the highledge is Highstar."

"Makes sense, I guess." Gingerpaw muttered, looking up at the large white tom with black speckles. "Who's that next to him?"

"Eagleflying."

"That doesn't sound like a clan name."

"Well it is!" Minnowleap spouted, staring dreamily up at the brown tabby tom. "And then also up there is Shimmeryshine, Thunderclan's medicine cat apprentice."

"What a mouthful!" Gingerpaw murmured to herself.

"Badgerbark is away at the moonpool, he had a special meeting with Starclan!" Minnowleap boasted as she turned towards the nursery, beckoning Gingerpaw with a crooked tail. "Here's the nursery!"

Gingerpaw ducked in after her, spying three queens suckling kits. "Wow. Lot of queens."

"Perfect plot conveniences!" Minnowleap whispered, and then got back to business. "There's Rainbowarch, and Redfish and her sister Bluefish!"

Gingerpaw was speechless for a moment, almost ready to giggle at the last two names. "Where's Greenfish?" She asked jokingly.

"Probably out hunting, he's a brilliant hunter! So you know him then?" Her guide answered.

"N-"

"So these are Rainbowbark's kits: Solkit, Shinykit and Aquakit! And then there's Redfish's kits: Warriorkit and Bambookit!"

"Um..." Gingerpaw interupted, "What's a Sol? And bamboo?" Her questions were ignored as Minnowleap introduced Bluefish's kit's: Splashkit and Splishkit.

"Let's go meet the apprentices!" Minnowleap trotted out of nursery and the ginger and white apprentice had no choice but to follow her.

"This is Wingedpaw, Navypaw, Grayingpaw, Beautifulpaw, Marbledpaw and Pawpaw." The brightly colored apprentices all meowed a hello, and then went back to devouring a starling.

"Interesting names." Gingerpaw coughed, her head beginning to hurt from all of the strange names.

"What are the names of your apprentices then, in Windclan?"

"Well there's me, and then there's Whitepaw, and Madgepaw, and then we have Sandypaw and Rabbitpaw."

"Boooooring!" Minnowleap yawned. "Come on, let's go meet some warriors!"

**Moral of the story: Don't give your characters ridiculous names, even if cats (somewhat) know what they are. **

* * *

**I've seen everything mentioned except for Grayingpaw and both Redfish/Bluefish/Greenfish in a fanfic ;)**

**For fun, reviewers: come up with parodic (parody-like) warrior names for those mentioned in the parodeity:**

_**Solkit, Shinykit, Aquakit, Warriorkit, Bambookit, Splishkit, Splashkit, Wingedpaw, Navypaw, Grayingpaw, Beautifulpaw, Marbledpaw and Pawpaw **_

**Here are mine!**

**Solsun (double meaning!), Shinycat (lovely), Aquafur (so realistic), Warriorfight (well that's what they do), Bamboostripes (it works, I guess), Splishsplash (had to do it), Splashfish (reversed!), Wingedfeet, Navyleap, Grayingmuzzle (old apprentice, eh?), Beautifulblaze (Lionblaze ripoff), Marbledeyes (creepy) & Pawshine (ooh! shiny paws!). **

**Keep those reviews coming!**


	4. names: giving it all away

**Thanks guys! 8 reviews! **

**I do agree with all of you: Shine (or any variety of it), Rainbow and other fancy-shiny things like that are _way_ overused :)**

* * *

**DESTINY/GIVING EVERYTHING AWAY (it's a real thing!)**

"Opaleye!" Yarrowfang called hoarsely into the elder's den. "Come out for the apprentice ceremony! Dawnfur, and Peatpelt's kits are being apprenticed!"

"Oh, fine, Yarrowfang, I will. One of these days these creaky old bones won't be able to get out of my nest." Opaleye yawned, and slithered out of the Shadowclan elder's den. The two elders joined Half-pelt, a brown tabby with clumped brown fur, and Blurred-sight, a blind black tom in the back of a crowd. Turning towards the nursery, Opaleye was able to make out four anxiously-waiting kit-shapes.

At the opposite end of the clearing, Opaleye watched as Longstar leaped up onto the Highpile, a large grouping of branches, and yowled the clan to order.

"Today we gather to crown four new apprentices!" Longstar announced warmly as the four kits stepped up. "First off, Moonkit, step forward."

**_PAUSE THE STORY. _**

**_Take a wild guess at Moonpaw's future. Hints: Moonpaw is synonymous with Starkit, Firekit (in some cases), Dovekit, (copy-of-other-protagonist-in-canon)kit, Shinekit, Prettykit, Lovekit, Happykit, etc. etc). _**

**_UN-PAUSE_**

"-Do you promise to blahblahblah?" Longstar continued, staring down warmly at the prettiest kit he had ever seen in his life. Her fur_ glowed_, for Starclan's sake!"

"I do!" Moonkit squeaked, her voice so powerful Thunderclan could hear it. Opaleye stared warmly at the fluffy white she-cat with a gray face and the brightest blue eyes she had ever seen, and decided she liked her.

"I crown you by your new name, Moonpaw!" Longstar mewed. "May your apprenticeship be short, because we totally need you to be a warrior."

"Next! Whitepaw, sister of Moonpaw, step forward... I crown you Whitepaw!"

_**PAUSE THE STORY.**_

_**This happens in so many fanfictions. We get a long-description of one character (take a wild guess, remember) and then we have their sibling practically get skipped over. They are literally only there for interest, or perhaps to show how wondrous their sibling is. **_

_**UN-PAUSE**_

"Hawkkit and brother Darknesskit, step forward!" A strong black-and-white tom-kit stepped up with his small scrawny black kit-brother.

_**PAUSE THE STORY. **_

_**Just from that (that sentence was practically copied from many a fic), I can already tell what's going to happen. Hint: Darknesskit is synonymous with Darkstripe, Tigerstar, Deathkit (yeah I've seen it), Shadowkit, Clawkit, Thistleclaw etc. etc.**_

_**ALSO - I can guess that Hawkpaw and/or is going to be the love interest of MOONPAW, just from this. **_

_**UN-PAUSE**_

I've seen a ton of fics start with the apprenticeship - and based off of them, this is how I predict the tale of Moonpaw, Whitepaw, Darknesspaw and Hawkpaw will go.

Moonpaw will become the best apprentice the clan has ever seen! She excels in hunting, fighting and herb-spotting, while her sister Whitepaw struggles to keep up. As they get older, Hawkpaw makes it blatantly obvious that he double-dog-hearts Moonpaw, but the pretty apprentice has no idea! About a week later, Whitepaw comes up to Moonpaw and tells her that Hawkpaw likes her sullenly. Moonpaw is SHOCKED, and thinks about how she just CAN'T choose a mate yet, she's only an apprentice! Meanwhile, Darknesspaw is also crushing on her, and Whitepaw is mad at Moonpaw because Hawkpaw likes her. You see, Whitepaw has always loved Hawkpaw and is TOTALLY JEALOUS. Also meanwhile, Darknesspaw is becoming evil and kills the leader secretly, and Moonpaw receives a sign from starclan... blah blah blah.

(In the case of Starkit's Prophecy, Longstar is also in love with Moonpaw, along with half of the clan)

If I can tell all of this from the character's NAMES in the first chapter, that's a bad sign. _  
_

**Moral of the (confusing) story: Don't give your characters names that are blatantly obvious to the role they will play: i.e: Darknesspaw is EVIL, Moonpaw is the SAVIOR of the clans (coughcough Mary sue coughcough), Hawkpaw is (one of) the ATTRACTIVE TOMS that are mooning (quite literally) over the SAVIOR, and Whitepaw is TYPICALLY THE CHARACTER THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT (i.e: ivypool) UNTIL THEY DO SOMETHING RASH. **

* * *

**Well that was an odd one, but I hope you got my point. Any other ideas for names? I can come back to them later, also. **

**I might be moving onto descriptions next, what do you think? **


	5. descriptions: allegiances

**Thanks for the reviews! **

**For now, I've moved on to descriptions, but I'll still accept any "name" ideas!**

* * *

Okay, let's take a look at a typical allegiances for a story. Here we go. (completely off of the top of my head, beware)

THUNDERCLAN

Leader: Fawnstar - a creamy gold she-cat w/ black ears and black front paws with inquisitive blue eyes with long lashes

Deputy: Quicktrot - a ginger and white tom with yellow eyes

Med. cat: Fogshine - a wispy white and gray dappled she-cat with green eyes and a short tail

Warriors:

Woodpelt - a brown tom w/ golden eyes

Stripedblaze - a huge, powerful gray and black tom w/ golden eyes

Shadowpool - black she-cat with blue eyes

Leapflight - beautiful red-brown and white she-cat with white legs, chest, tail, one-ear and blue eyes

Shredstrike - white tom with red-brown paws and golden eyes

Squashedmuzzle - gray tom with blue eyes

Squirreltail - small red-brown she-cat

Thornstep - brown tabby tom with green eyes

Icyslide - pretty white she-cat with clumsy black paws and golden eyes

Queens -

Owlcall - pretty brown she-cat with blue eyes (kits: Fullkit, a golden tom with one white spot on his forehead and green eyes, and Huntkit, a black tom with brilliant gold eyes)

Curlfur - a gorgeous white she-cat with long fur and blue eyes (expecting Woodpelt's kits)

Dripdapple - pretty golden she-cat with blue-gray dapples and blue-gray paws and tail (kits: Rabbitkit, brown she-cat with green eyes, Honeykit who looks exactly like her mother but with golden eyes, Eaglekit, a brown tabby tom with blue eyes)

Apprentices -

Lamepaw - a black tom with one "dead" paw and blue eyes (apprentice to Squashedmuzzle)

Vixenpaw - a red-brown she-cat with a white tail (looks a lot like a fox) and yellow eyes

Wingpaw - a white she-cat with golden eyes

Goldenpaw - a gold she-cat with golden eyes

Elders -

Oldfur - a black tom with blue eyes

Crushjaw - a large gray tom with gold eyes

Kinkedtail - a small white she-cat with yellow-gold eyes

**Moral of the story: I see these types of allegiances SO MUCH. Take a WILD guess at how this story will go. Okay, I'll bite. Honeykit is the main character, due to her gorgeous mother and average siblings. Leapflight is going to be her mentor. Stripedblaze is PROBABLY her father, because he has a better description than half of the toms. The rest of the characters... boring. **

**Did I mention that I see "gold eyes/blue eyes" so much that I'd really like to imprison a ton of these authors? **

**Don't over describe your main characters. Develop their appearances throughout...**

**BONUS ROUND: okay, so squashedmuzzle is a rip-off of crookedjaw, but how cool of a story would she have? I'd love to hear it, except WE. NEVER. DO. Lamepaw... really? I know clan leaders can be mean and all, with One-eye and such but that's just cruel. I've seen that two times, one in warrior form and one in kit. Oldfur... or Ancientclaw... or Agedsoul... I've seen all of these. They're elders for Starclan's sake! They aren't like twenty years old! NOT ALL QUEENS ARE BEAUTIFUL. Toms might think so, and they had to look ok to get a mate, but for Starclan's sake, you don't have to describe 'em all as gorgeous... beautiful etc. etc. Why do they always have super cool mary-sue-ish names that are pretty, but suggest they were always meant to be a queen, not a full-fledged warrior? Dripdapple... Curlfur... Owlclaw... Glasspool... Cleargaze etc. etc. **

**Also, why do the toms never get descriptions matching the she-cats? Come ON people! **

* * *

**- clearflight**


	6. descriptions: an abundance of rainbows

**now, addressing one of the biggest problems on mary-sue warrior cat fanfiction...**

* * *

**AN ABUNDANCE OF RAINBOWS**

Now, you'll have to forgive me: I've never seen a rainbow-eyed cat in real life. I've heard lots about them...

in fact, I get to learn and read more about them every third time I open a fanfic on this site.

_Starkit blinked open her huge rainbow eyes. _

_Larchpaw looked around with her long-lashed rainbow eyes. They gave off bits of sparkly light every time she blinked. _

_Spottedstar walked in camp with her head held high. This was it! She was finally Clan leader, and she would be welcomed by ThunderClan with open paws. As she looked at the cats of her clan with her mottled rainbow eyes, half (let's be realistic, ALL) of the toms fell in love with her all over again. _

For my amusement, I decided to Google-Image "rainbow eyes cat" and it's variants. Ah.

The world of photo-shop has once again found itself within Fanfiction. Let me say it once: Rainbow eyes (or pelt, StarClan forbid) do not exist in **Felis Catus**, or even our precious **Silvestris Catus (a fancy name for kitty-pet)**. Why not try monochrome, or bi-chrome eyes? They still hardly exist, but at least they're more real. Blue eyes that have a tone of green in the sun would be marvelous bases for imagery, or even yellow eyes that turn amber at nightfall. But let's not get crazy - stay in the same color family!

**This brings us to EYE COLOR! Believe me, I understand. Cat eye color is pretty limited. We've got, say, five big colors to choose from. **

**1. Blue**

**2. Green**

**3. Yellow**

**4. Amber**

**5. Pink/Red (ONLY IN ALBINO CATS, THERE ARE NOT BLACK CATS WITH RED EYES)**

Now, let's expand it a little.

**1. Blue**

**a. crystal blue (or medium blue, most common)**

**b. darker blue (but not anywhere close to navy)**

**c. lighter blue (rarer)**

**2. Green**

**a. green-yellow (or light green)**

**b. emerald green**

**c. green-gold**

**3. Yellow**

**a. bright yellow**

**b. gold**

**c. yellow-orange**

**d. yellow-green (very common in cats)**

**4. Amber**

**a. dark amber (umber)**

**b. amber-yellow**

**c. lighter amber, honey colored**

**5. pink/red**

To the extent of my knowledge, that is all of the genetically possible eye colors seen in cats. AKA: no purple. no indigo. no navy. no scarlet. no tan. no white. Let's match these to PELT colors.

**RULE NUMBER 1 WITH PELT-EYE COLOR: CATS WITH BLUE EYES HAVE TO HAVE WHITE SOMEWHERE ON THEM. EVEN IF IT'S ONLY A FEW HAIRS ON THEIR CHIN/BELLY/TAIL. **

**RULE NUMBER 2: CATS CANNOT HAVE RED EYES AND BE ANYTHING BUT WHITE OR VERY PALE GRAY (aka Albino)**

**RULE NUMBER 3: Tortoishell cats will almost always have orange, yellow or gold eyes because of the massive amount of pigment in their coats**

**RULE NUMBER 4: brown eyes usually only surface in Heterochromia (a rare eye trait causing two eyes to be different colors)**

Also, one last thing. Heterochromia is very rare, and usually only surfaces in white cats or cats with white somewhere on them.

**Moral of the story:** **Enough with the rainbows. It was creative, until it wasn't.**


End file.
